You Found Me
by starbuckfaerie21
Summary: Joel dreams about the past. Mentions something that happened in 03x13: "Narrow Margin."


You Found Me

 **Disclaimer:** Sadly, I own neither _Saving Hope_ nor Daniel Gillies.

 **Pairing:** Joel & Alex

 **Rating: T**

 **Summary:** Joel dreams about the past. Mentions something that happened in 03x13: "Narrow Margin."

Joel Goran was exhausted. He sighed wearily as he unlocked the front door and entered the house.

He kicked off his shoes and left them by the door.

It was silent and dark.

 _Alex and the kids must already be asleep._

He headed upstairs trying to be as quiet as possible so he wouldn't wake them. He pulled his t-shirt over his head as he reached the top of the stairs.

He groped in the darkness for clean clothes. He didn't dare turn on the light because he didn't want to risk waking his wife.

He glanced across the darkened bedroom and couldn't help but smile when he saw Alex fast asleep on _his_ side of the bed.

Her head was even on _his_ pillow.

 _God she's beautiful_.

He thought, as he stood there for a moment mesmerized by the way her dark hair splayed over the pillow as she slept.

It was impossible not to notice the way the moonlight filtered in through the bedroom window and reflected against her milky white skin, giving her a translucent, almost ethereal quality.

 _She's so beautiful._

 _Alex Reid._

 _His wife._

 _The love of his life._

 _The mother of his children._

He wanted to reach out and touch her.

But he knew that if he did, he'd never make it to the shower.

And he needed a shower _almost_ as much as he needed Alex.

He was exhausted but he knew the shower would help him sleep.

So with one last look at her, he turned and went into the master bathroom.

He stood under the hot spray until the water turned cold. He quickly pulled on his clothes and went to look in on the kids before he called it a night.

He was relieved to find that all three of his children were sleeping peacefully.

Joel returned to the bedroom and fell into bed beside Alex wrapping one arm around her.

And although she didn't wake, she stirred, murmured something unintelligible and pressed herself more closely into his embrace.

Joel was asleep within seconds and he felt himself drifting into what he knew could only be a dream.

 _He felt the crunch of autumn leaves beneath the soles of his boots._

 _The cool breeze brushed past him as he reached for Alex's hand as she ambled along slowly beside him._

 _He looked over at her and flashed her one of his trademark grins._

" _You're beautiful. You know that don't you, Reid?" He asked taking her hand._

 _Alex chuckled, "C'mon Joel I'm huge. If we would've waited much longer I would've been too far along to take this trip."_

" _You're beautiful." Joel repeated, walking a few steps ahead of Alex._

" _Doctor Goran, you're such a liar." She said, as she took a few more steps to catch up to him. "But I love you anyway."_

 _Joel smiled again, "And I love you, Doctor Reid. Do you need to take a break?" He asked, a look of concern in his eyes as he noticed that she'd stopped walking behind him._

 _Alex shook her head and pressed on despite her fatigue, "Let's get to the top of the ridge and set up camp before we lose the light."_

 _Suddenly she wasn't sure if a weekend hiking in the woods while she was nearly nine months pregnant with her first child was such a great idea._

 _But she pressed on in spite of her exhaustion. And she wasn't about to say anything to Joel because she knew he'd insist they turn back._

" _Yes, ma'am." Joel replied, leaning toward her and pressing a kiss against her forehead._

" _Love, you feel a little warm. Are you sure you're all right?" Joel asked, placing his free hand on the small of her back._

 _Alex nodded, "Joel, baby, I'm…"_

 _She was about to say, "fine." But before she could get the last word out she felt something cold and wet trickling down from between her legs._

 _Suddenly Joel was standing right in front of her, his strong, steady hand on her shoulder, "Reid, what is it? What's wrong?"_

" _My water just broke. Joel, we still have a few weeks…I can't do this. Not here…Not now…Not like this…" Her voice trailed off as her words dissolved into tears._

" _Alex, hey, Alex…Look at me." Joel said, pulling his arms out of his jacket so he'd have something to swaddle the baby in when the time came._

" _I know you're scared. So am I. But ready or not this baby's coming. And we can do this. Right here. Right now. You and me. Together. All right?"_

 _Alex nodded and gritted her teeth against the pain of the first contraction even as Joel pulled his phone from his back pocket and tried to dial 911._

 _But of course there was no signal._

" _Just hang in there, Reid. You're doing great." Joel said, as he hung up his phone turning his full attention back to Alex._

" _Joel, I don't think I can walk any further…It hurts too much….Oh God!"_

 _Alex couldn't fight the scream that burst from her throat, as she let Joel guide her to a patch of fallen leaves beneath a tall tree._

" _You won't have to walk any further, love. I promise." Joel whispered, helping her into a sitting position with her back against the tree's trunk for support._

" _Joel, I was supposed to have this baby in the hospital. Not in the middle of the woods."_

 _He nodded, "I know Reid. But I don't think that's in the cards for either of us. So let's do this…" Joel said using the same confident voice that he always used in the O.R._

 _Alex nodded again, biting her lip against the pain of another contraction._

" _Joel, baby, I can't do this." She whispered, reaching for his hand, "I'm not ready…"_

" _Yes you are, Alex. You're gonna kick ass." He replied, tucking a strand of her dark hair that had come loose from her ponytail behind her ear. "Lift your hips up for me, Reid. I need to get a better view of what's going on down there."_

 _Alex pushed herself up onto her elbows, and raised her hips. But she couldn't help but smile at her husband as he pulled the maternity pants that she was wearing down her legs._

" _You're enjoying this aren't you, Doctor Goran?"_

 _He flashed her one of his trademark Joel Goran grins, "Yes, ma'am, Doctor Reid," He replied, bracing one of her feet in each hand, "Now, let's have a baby."_

 _Alex was about to reply, but the contraction took her breath away._

" _All right, love. It looks like it's show time. When you feel the next contraction, I need you to push."_

 _Alex met his eyes, "Joel, I love you."_

" _I love you, too, Alex. Now, push."_

 _Alex closed her eyes and pushed until she couldn't bear the pain any longer._

" _Joel, baby it hurts."_

" _I know, Reid. But you're doing great. He's crowning. I just need you to give me one more big push. Can you do that for me, love?"_

 _Alex took a deep breath, "Just one more push? Then we'll get to meet our son?"_

 _Joel nodded, "Just one more big push. And he'll finally be here. C'mon Alex, you can do this. I know you can do this."_

 _Alex nodded, closed her eyes and began to push. And she didn't stop until she heard the first cries of her newborn son._

 _Only then did she dare to open her eyes and whisper, "Joel, is he here? Is he okay?" Alex asked, her voice shaking slightly._

" _Yeah, Reid. He's here. And he's better than okay. He's perfect. What should we name him?"_

" _I want to name him Luke. His name's Luke." She replied, breathlessly._

 _Joel nodded, "Lucas Barrett Goran Reid. Welcome to the funhouse, little man." He whispered, kissing the baby's forehead, as he cut the umbilical cord with his pocket knife and wrapped him in his jacket._

 _He was about to place the baby in Alex's arms when he realized that she was silent._

" _Alex, love, do you want to hold him?" Joel asked, certain that the prospect of holding her son would rouse her no matter how exhausted his birth had left her._

 _But she didn't reply._

 _She didn't move._

 _She was silent._

 _She was still._

 _Too silent._

 _Too still._

" _Alex!" He shouted, startling his newborn son until his cries pierced the air around them._

" _Alex!"_

Joel awoke with a start, his hands automatically reaching for Alex. But his breath caught in his throat when he felt only the cold empty sheets beside him.

"Alex!" He called out her name in the darkness

His son's cries were still ringing in his ears just as they had in the dream.

Joel blinked into consciousness and it took him a few seconds to realize that he was no longer dreaming.

His infant son _was_ in fact crying.

 _But not Luke_.

Luke was now six years old and fast asleep in his bed.

 _Theo._

The son that cried out to him now wasn't Luke but nine-month old Theo.

Joel got out of bed and ran into the nursery.

"Alex!"

 _It was just a dream._

 _No. It wasn't a dream._

 _It was a nightmare._

 _A horrifying, terrible nightmare.._

He shuddered as the dream ran in slow motion through his mind. He was thankful for the cold hardwood floor beneath his bare feet. It brought him back to reality as he turned the corner into the nursery.

He exhaled, with relief at the sight of his beautiful wife standing over the changing table.

She looked up at him, an expression of concern in her eyes, "Joel, what's the matter? Did I wake you?" She asked as she carefully laid her sleeping son back down in his crib.

Joel shook his head, "He was crying…" Joel said, softly as he walked into the nursery and wrapped his arms around Alex as she chuckled softly, "He just needed a change. He's all right now."

Joel let out another breath as she leaned back into his bare chest, "Joel, baby you're sweating. What's wrong? Are you sick?"

The concern was still present in her voice, as she pulled him close and pressed a kiss against the mole behind his ear, and Joel closed his eyes for a moment relishing the sensation before he replied softly, "No love, I'm fine. I just had a nightmare."

She gazed at him, her eyes now full of compassion and understanding. "That must've been some nightmare, Doctor Goran."

"Yes ma'am it was." Joel agreed as they walked together back into the master bedroom, his arms still wrapped tightly around her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked softly, climbing into bed, and pillowing her head on his shoulder.

Joel lay in bed beside her silent for a long time, content just to hold her.

Alex thought that he'd fallen asleep when he finally began to speak. "We were hiking in the woods…"

He felt her mouth curve upwards into a smile as she pressed her lips to his shoulder, "Well that should've been your first clue that it wasn't real. We don't hike…"

This time it was Alex who fell silent for a moment, "The last time I hiked was when I found that kid trapped under a fallen tree. When I was…"

"Pregnant with Luke." Joel finished for her.

And he felt her nod against his chest, "Yeah. How did you know?"

"You were pregnant in the dream too. You were so beautiful. Like you always are…"

His voice trailed off and he kissed her forehead, buying time as if speaking the words would somehow make them a reality.

He shuddered, at the thought, and then he heard Alex's voice in his ear, "Hey, whatever it is…You can tell me."

Joel nodded, and whispered, "I love you. Do you hear me, Alex Reid? And I'm sorry I wasn't with you when Luke was born."

She looked up at him and nodded, her dark hair splayed over his shoulder, "What? Joel, baby, please tell me you don't still feel guilty about that. You're a wonderful father. And not just to Luke. _To all of our kids_. And you were saving a life that day. I'm proud of you for what you did that day. Do you hear me Joel Goran?"

 _He had made Alex Reid proud._

Alex fell silent for another long moment, "I still have nightmares about it sometimes though."

"About what?" He whispered, pressing his lips to her neck.

"About how I almost lost you that day." She replied her words punctuated by tiny sighs of pleasure as his lips touched her skin.

"You _do_? " He asked suddenly acutely aware that he'd been apologizing for the wrong thing.

 _Was this how she felt every time she remembered Luke's birth?_

 _Or every time she recalled the explosion?_

"Then I'm sorry for that, Reid. He whispered, "Because in that dream, you went into labor while we were hiking. Something went wrong. And I couldn't save you love. I couldn't save you. I lost you, Alex…"

"Shh, you didn't lose me, Joel." Alex whispered, "You didn't lose me. You _found_ me. When we got back together for the last time. You found me. I'm right here."

 _And you found me._

Before he could reply, she kissed him, and whispered, "Let's try not to think about the past, okay? Let's try to focus on the here and now."

Joel smiled, and returned her kiss, "Yes, ma'am." He replied, and they made love until they both fell into a dreamless contented sleep.


End file.
